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People who hide things that others need to know sicken me.

The latest

Evenin' all. I've pretty much given up hope that anyone actually comes here anymore. Been a year since I posted anyway. Just using this to vent now.

I've picked up WoW in my spare time. It's more of an escape than anything else I could find to do. Something unusually satisfying about being able to team up with people from all over the planet to take down content. Earlier today, ran a 5-man with a guy from Japan. Raids are getting more frustrating, the guild leader insists on trying to run the latest and hardest content with outdated equipment and members who have no fucking clue what they're doing. Decided to go off on my own and gear my characters up. Probably going to ditch and find a better group if the bullshit keeps up.

Don't really know how to feel at the moment. School's frustrating and I'm just not feeling up to it anymore. Keeping grades up and on track to graduate in time, just don't really have much drive these days. New roommates are depressing. Only cool one left, one's a stoner and the other is a complete douchebag.

Relationship's bugging me. Seems like she "forgets" we're together and hits on everyone. Says she doesn't know what flirting is. Probably a cover. Keeps leaving her myYearbook logged in on my computer. Went to be cute and leave an anonymous question on her page and found that she still thinks about the little boy that took her from me in the first place. Beyond pissed and trying to hide it. Frankly, don't really know where to go or how to feel. Don't really like it. Being single hurt, being spoken for is confusing and not always as great as it sounds.

Don't really feel much like myself anymore. Too busy. Too focused. Miss the days when I could hang out and just not give a damn about anything for a few hours. Vacation didn't really help much. Reminded me how nice it would've been to be single. Seems like I haven't had a chance to relax in ages, been on vacation for two weeks now. Not really sure what's going on. Hoping things will get better as graduation gets closer.

Weird as it sounds, I actually had a dream last night. Odd one, but a dream nonetheless. Haven't had dreams in a few months, and for years before that. Dunno what's going on. Can't sleep much though.

People really don't seem to change.

Changes..

Not counting my September post, this marks the one-year anniversary since the last post I made. It's been considerably longer since anyone left feedback and, I'm sure, bothered to read it.

But...it's not important. I need a place to just..bullshit...and let out all the things I've been saving up.

It's getting to the point where I can't go anywhere without considering possibilities: What is, what could have been, what will be. I miss things. Stupid little things that I used to have. Knowing someone who I believed was wonderful and honest and loving was there to care about me. Having that blessed routine of getting up and going to high school borderline religiously. I miss my marching band. I miss hitting the turf at 6:30 and performing. I miss seeing people dance to the drumline I once thought of as my family.

Graduation really changed things. Now that I'm here, on my own, in Philadelphia, things are too different to even comprehend. I'm more careful now- Not for any particular reason, mostly just because I'm a country boy and things are bigger here. I don't miss people... oh no, I could never miss that shithole I escaped from. I miss having companionship. The only people I feel close to here are my roommate and a few of my co-workers.

I miss knowing how things were going to turn out. I miss having a good time out on the town with a good woman and knowing that she won't act completely different for no apparent reason.

Ironically enough, the woman I'm referring to caused our separation. She wanted to leave over a 'love' she held for another guy. They started dating probably a week after we broke up... and they're separated too, as of a few weeks ago.

Love is such a fleeting thing. I wish I could've lived in a time when divorce was still bad. I wish I could've lived in a time when romance was valued. Most of all, I wish I could've come into my confidence before seemingly every woman in existence had been hurt by every fucking worthless excuse for a man on the planet.

I'm beginning to hate people.

Shifting gears

Frankly, I find it disheartening that very few people value anything anymore. There was a time when holding a door for a lady would be met with giggles and blushes. Now, it's more common to have some oblivious moron walk through a door two feet in front of you after making eye contact without ever even considering to hold it. It's getting harder on genuinely kind, caring people to exist in a world where others don't appreciate that they spend every waking moment trying to improve things for even one singular person - more often than not, in my case, for one miserable, insignificant, unappreciative woman who seems to think the behaviors of those around her, common courtesies, are her right instead of what they are: Behavior implanted by families who want us to grow up to be upstanding gentlemen instead of a typical chauvinistic pig.

That said, I'm taking things on a different track. To those of you who are around me on a daily basis (Who will likely never see this anyway, since you can't get your heads out of your asses long enough to give a fuck about me) don't expect me to kiss your ass, ever. If you want to be treated positively, earn it. If you want me to go out of my way to improve your day, prove to me you deserve it. Those of you who have gotten used to me being there to stroke your sorry ego, you have not, do not, and will not, ever deserve my sympathy or my love and certainly not my Samaritan tendencies. You took advantage of me, and I'm tired of being helpless and manipulated by your 'affections'.

Those of you who genuinely care about me, don't expect much of a change. You know who you all are and I love you dearly for your influence in my life.

Changing track once more, I've been digging into programming and have come up with several calculators, using a modified reverse Polish notation engine. Those of you who would like to test them out, I have one for basic operations (+ - * / ^ % sin cos tan) and one for Ohm's law calculations. Drop me a line somehow and I'll get you the details.

-AC

The language of the heart

The more I sit and think, the more it sinks in..

Your heart is much, much more than just an organ that pushes blood around.

Ever have that moment when you meet someone and you feel your pulse quicken, that little lurch in your chest, or the sudden warmth spreading through your upper body? It's your heart saying, "Hey, I think this person's pretty sweet."

I feel like no matter what happens, my heart is there to say, "You need more friends! Nice ones!" because it certainly seems like the old ones have either moved on or found better things to do than talk to me. Admittedly, I'm not the most fun or best person in the world, but I suppose when the subject of most of my conversations is how dismal my love life is, I get a little boring. I dunno.

Back to the original matter of hearts telling people to get to know someone better, I had one of those moments this weekend. We haven't seen each other for at least a year... but yet, it felt like no time had elapsed at all. She's still pretty, funny, and friendly, and I'm still a quirky yet occasionally amusing drummer boy.

I don't know much, but I do know this: Being cared about, even slightly - and especially by such a wonderful person - is one of the most beautiful sensations in the world. I hope you're reading, because I want to tell you: Thank you so very much for reminding me that there are good people left in the world.

Saturday.

This weekend, I learned a lot about myself. Those of you who are a little closer to me than most will know that I'm on my way to becoming a free runner. Those of you who aren't, now you know.

Now, I won't claim to be the bravest person in the world. I'm not very fond of heights. However, I made an 11 foot jump to the ground with no real negative consequences, and got a video to prove it. I think that it was a good experience, the sudden shock of going over the edge, as well as that of hitting the ground, as I've now got a better idea of my own limits, and how I can push them. That's what free running's about, pushing your limits.

I'm not really certain when or where I realized it, but it really sank in as I sat on Sara's shed that I had overcome an old fear of heights and was actually very comfortable kneeling at the edge, looking out over the 9-foot drop that the bottom of the sloping roof provided.

I suppose I may as well recall the day's events, just for continuity's sake. I started out with a 'cliffhanger' type deal, for those Ninja Warrior fans out there; hanging from the support beam on the barn and shifting across it. After that, I moved to working on wall jumps, using a tree near the doghouse to try and jump the 4-foot gap between them. After making that, we all climbed onto the barn using the gate, and then I jumped to the shed, which is where the previously mentioned 11-foot drop from the peak of the roof happened. There's a video hosted on Myspace and Facebook, if you don't know my address for either of those, how did you find my blog?

That's all for now.

Half-awake thoughts.

I've been a little more pensive lately. Being here in this apartment, being here outside of Philly with hardly any good friends, I've had a lot more time to just think. I came to a few realizations.

First of all, it's been a while since I've really had time to just sit and experience everything around me. I sat and listened to the air conditioning last night, just for fun, just to say I had time to really relax. Now that my classes are in the early afternoon, I don't have to be up at a certain time and I can do pretty much whatever I want, so now that I truly have no burdens left, I'm starting to feel a lot better.

Second, I realized that I haven't really felt... alive... in a while. You know, the butterflies around a pretty girl, fear at a truck rushing by just a little too close. I'm not sure when it really began, but I do know that I've found something that is slowly but surely letting me feel again. I'll let you guess who she is.

Next up, I've realized just how depressing it is when you don't have any friends online to chat with. Logging in to yahoo and ICQ and seeing your offline groups as full is a bit of a reality check. =P

I've also come to the conclusion that whoever the hell Murphy was, he definitely knew what he was talking about. Everything that can go wrong, DEFINITELY, will go wrong.

I'm not really sure what else to write about. Anyone have any ideas?