Changes..

Not counting my September post, this marks the one-year anniversary since the last post I made. It's been considerably longer since anyone left feedback and, I'm sure, bothered to read it.

But...it's not important. I need a place to just..bullshit...and let out all the things I've been saving up.

It's getting to the point where I can't go anywhere without considering possibilities: What is, what could have been, what will be. I miss things. Stupid little things that I used to have. Knowing someone who I believed was wonderful and honest and loving was there to care about me. Having that blessed routine of getting up and going to high school borderline religiously. I miss my marching band. I miss hitting the turf at 6:30 and performing. I miss seeing people dance to the drumline I once thought of as my family.

Graduation really changed things. Now that I'm here, on my own, in Philadelphia, things are too different to even comprehend. I'm more careful now- Not for any particular reason, mostly just because I'm a country boy and things are bigger here. I don't miss people... oh no, I could never miss that shithole I escaped from. I miss having companionship. The only people I feel close to here are my roommate and a few of my co-workers.

I miss knowing how things were going to turn out. I miss having a good time out on the town with a good woman and knowing that she won't act completely different for no apparent reason.

Ironically enough, the woman I'm referring to caused our separation. She wanted to leave over a 'love' she held for another guy. They started dating probably a week after we broke up... and they're separated too, as of a few weeks ago.

Love is such a fleeting thing. I wish I could've lived in a time when divorce was still bad. I wish I could've lived in a time when romance was valued. Most of all, I wish I could've come into my confidence before seemingly every woman in existence had been hurt by every fucking worthless excuse for a man on the planet.

I'm beginning to hate people.

Shifting gears

Frankly, I find it disheartening that very few people value anything anymore. There was a time when holding a door for a lady would be met with giggles and blushes. Now, it's more common to have some oblivious moron walk through a door two feet in front of you after making eye contact without ever even considering to hold it. It's getting harder on genuinely kind, caring people to exist in a world where others don't appreciate that they spend every waking moment trying to improve things for even one singular person - more often than not, in my case, for one miserable, insignificant, unappreciative woman who seems to think the behaviors of those around her, common courtesies, are her right instead of what they are: Behavior implanted by families who want us to grow up to be upstanding gentlemen instead of a typical chauvinistic pig.

That said, I'm taking things on a different track. To those of you who are around me on a daily basis (Who will likely never see this anyway, since you can't get your heads out of your asses long enough to give a fuck about me) don't expect me to kiss your ass, ever. If you want to be treated positively, earn it. If you want me to go out of my way to improve your day, prove to me you deserve it. Those of you who have gotten used to me being there to stroke your sorry ego, you have not, do not, and will not, ever deserve my sympathy or my love and certainly not my Samaritan tendencies. You took advantage of me, and I'm tired of being helpless and manipulated by your 'affections'.

Those of you who genuinely care about me, don't expect much of a change. You know who you all are and I love you dearly for your influence in my life.

Changing track once more, I've been digging into programming and have come up with several calculators, using a modified reverse Polish notation engine. Those of you who would like to test them out, I have one for basic operations (+ - * / ^ % sin cos tan) and one for Ohm's law calculations. Drop me a line somehow and I'll get you the details.

-AC