But...it's not important. I need a place to just..bullshit...and let out all the things I've been saving up.
It's getting to the point where I can't go anywhere without considering possibilities: What is, what could have been, what will be. I miss things. Stupid little things that I used to have. Knowing someone who I believed was wonderful and honest and loving was there to care about me. Having that blessed routine of getting up and going to high school borderline religiously. I miss my marching band. I miss hitting the turf at 6:30 and performing. I miss seeing people dance to the drumline I once thought of as my family.
Graduation really changed things. Now that I'm here, on my own, in Philadelphia, things are too different to even comprehend. I'm more careful now- Not for any particular reason, mostly just because I'm a country boy and things are bigger here. I don't miss people... oh no, I could never miss that shithole I escaped from. I miss having companionship. The only people I feel close to here are my roommate and a few of my co-workers.
I miss knowing how things were going to turn out. I miss having a good time out on the town with a good woman and knowing that she won't act completely different for no apparent reason.
Ironically enough, the woman I'm referring to caused our separation. She wanted to leave over a 'love' she held for another guy. They started dating probably a week after we broke up... and they're separated too, as of a few weeks ago.
Love is such a fleeting thing. I wish I could've lived in a time when divorce was still bad. I wish I could've lived in a time when romance was valued. Most of all, I wish I could've come into my confidence before seemingly every woman in existence had been hurt by every fucking worthless excuse for a man on the planet.
I'm beginning to hate people.
